The Great Wall of Mathon

Dear reader, let us point your attentions toward the proposed erection of a 900 metre wall in the village of Mathon, Herefordshire. (Disappointingly, it was not being built to keep out asylum seekers – The Sunday Times reveals that the stone wall was actually meant to be 90 cm high, which makes more sense.)

Labour leader reclassified as ‘naughty rabbit’

Labour fired the first shots yesterday of what appears to be a daring re-election strategy. ‘He was a rabbit,’ claimed Lord Mandelson, apparently referring to Prime Minister Gordon Brown. ‘A rabbit who was very naughty and has since gone off to be with his other rabbit friends in Wonderland.’

The description of the holidaying Prime Minister as a ‘naughty rabbit’ has raised eyebrows in Westminster, with Conservative MPs questioning how a rabbit could have landed the country in such a disastrous recession – a recession that European partners such as France and Germany have already climbed out of.

‘The rabbit did the best it could,’ explained Jack Straw, the Secretary of State for Justice. ‘But these times call for change, and change there must be. The year of the rabbit is passing.’

Analysts have speculated on what kind of animal will be brought in to steer the country out of difficulty, with many believing a beast of burden to be most likely, possibly a bovine. Such a move may bring about closer economic ties between Britain and China, by honouring the year of the Ox.

Schoolgirls ‘disappoint’ with performance in A-level results

The United Kingdom’s ten million schoolgirls have disappointed sectors of society with their performance in this year’s A-level results, an academic standard in the country that decides on entry to university courses. Newspaper picture editors and broadcast crews were said to be ‘appalled’ that so few of the aspiring young ladies saw fit to bounce around in loose tops to celebrate their receipt of As and Bs, or to pose in suggestive hockey skirts.

‘It was a washout,’ remarked Steve P. McKnight, picture editor on the Daily Bastard. ‘Usually I can count on the secretly racy Oxbridge lot to give us a bit of flesh, but this year – nothing. It’s a ******* disgrace. I’m ashamed to call myself British.’

Meteorologists in the country have blamed the weather, which was said to be wet for the day, and may have deterred the females from disrobing in celebration.

Rat records achievement, throws mortar broard

A rat enrolled at the University of Leicester recently completed a BA in Geography, according to reports. The news has produced ripples of shock throughout the education establishment, provoking claims of ‘dumbing down’. The rat, who is known around campus as Steve ‘Curly’ McTailsmith, enrolled at the Leicester institution three years ago after completing A-levels in General Studies, Geography, and Psychology. He is said to hold pens with his tail, and to be particularly adept at shading.

Rats are widely recognised for their intelligence, but none have so far achieved this level of achievement. Claims of ‘dumbing down’ have been disputed by independent watchdogs, who point to the performance of sheep in poor areas of rural Lancashire, where they have been outperforming underprivileged children and securing places on young apprenticeship schemes. These watchdogs point out that some humans are merely becoming more stupid, and speculate that, within 50 years, intelligent animals will be a common sight in the workforce, with uneducated humans fleeing to the protection of the woods and re-establishing small scale feudal societies.

Advertising for ‘Inglourious Basterds’ (or b*******?)

The publicity for Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds is a minefield. ‘Bastard’ is both a legitimate word and, by vice of context, one of abuse. Written out, basterd is not bastard. On the radio, it sounds the same. This is a quandary for reviewers with conservative audiences.

Outdoor billboards in Britain carry the full name of the film, whereas posters on London Underground simply go with picture, quotes and credits – the name is absent. Is this because the Tube is a captive audience, more than a carload (possibly of kids) passing a poster underneath a bridge in the Prius? Is it a measure to limit offence, or simply a different choice of image? The Tube is a defined market that’s easy to set limits on, but can you really imagine an outdoor poster proclaiming ‘Bastard’ under any other circumstances? Would sexual references irritate Joe Public more? A curious orange.

Would either Clinton have done?

The US journalists held by North Korea were released shortly after a visit from former President Bill Clinton, a visit that was accompanied by photo opportunities that featured everyone looking very serious. It was a moment of grand diplomacy for the North Koreans, a signifier of respect; and one of grand relief for the Americans. There was to be absolutely no playing the saxophone. But why Slick Willy in the first place? Presumably because the Obama administration would not want to negotiate directly with North Korea, and so have the whole affair ‘on the record’ – a chip to be called in at a later date.

It’s also been suggested that the North Koreans asked for Clinton personally, as the biggest ‘apolitical’ American figure available to them. Clinton is the ex-boss of former Vice President Al Gore, who employed said journalists through Current TV, the station he founded. Talking on CNN to Larry King, Dan Rather also suggested that ‘either Clinton’ was asked for.

It’s possible that the Koreans might not want to deal with a woman, specifically Mrs Clinton; when the Secretary of State was in Thailand recently, the North Korean foreign ministry ridiculed her as a ‘funny lady…unaware of the elementary etiquette in the international community…Sometimes she looks like a primary schoolgirl and sometimes a pensioner going shopping…Her words suggest that she is by no means intelligent.’

You wonder if there is any line to be drawn between the prominent use of the male Clinton and this irritation, but it seems unfair to suggest it, even as a matter of asexual political ego. The question-asker later said that he meant President Obama – assuming this is true, there was a valid question there. The notion of the Secretary Of State and the President not agreeing on foreign policy is worth inquiring about.

Ray Liotta ‘changes name to support otters’

The actor Ray Liotta is to change his name to ‘Ray the Otter’, apparently in support of the river-dwelling creatures, according to Hollywood insiders. The move comes as Liotta becomes increasingly concerned about the furry animals’ plight, especially close to the lochs and quays of his native Birmingham.

“These otters, they’re important”, Liotta never remarked, before not continuing: “They build important things. Without their dams, the water levels would be way higher and we’d all drown. Al Gore’s predictions would come true. I don’t want my children growing up in a world without otters.”

Mr Liotta, famed for his wiseguy roles, is said to be funding an updated, one-man production of Wind In The Willows. His adaptation of the Kenneth Grahame work will be performed in 44 languages, incorporate educational statistics on climate change, and feature a strong musical element said to be inspired by West Side Story.