The ‘Diddy’ effect; everyone a wanna be Bonded

There is little doubt in the News Hour offices as to the identity of the ‘mystery bidder’ for James Bond’s Lotus. Who else do we know that recently spent half a million on casting himself as the superspy for an advertising campaign? Who else was recently forced to stop paying for travel by jet, and would be in need of an alternative means of transport? Who has wanted to be Bond for at least two years? Why, Puff Daddy of course. The man formerly known as everything under the sun. Bit by bit, Puffy is acquiring every piece of Bond memorabilia in the world – it is his dastardly plan, concocted from behind a giant mahogany desk framed by a map of the world on which the name of every country has his name inserted into it somewhere, somehow; and the planet is actually a picture of his face.

It’s an entertaining image; but the pedestrian truth is that everyone wants to be Bond – it must be the single most asked interview question of any man over 25. Even Orlando Bloom was ‘set to become’ Bond at some point; Disney model number 375 zeta, Zac Efron, claims his life is full of ‘bobbing and weaving’ to avoid rabid female fans, much like that of the secret agent. Sean John has a rival, too – Jamie Foxx wants to be the first African American incarnation of the British secret agent. This, at least, is more plausible. Sean John playing Bond would the collision of an immovable object and an unstoppable force, two massive PR machines whacking into each other; the merchandising tie-ins alone would be enough to kill the series stone dead.

Mr Diddy is, of course, a sharper operator than this – as anyone who has seen his bizarre but terrifying twist on The Apprentice would attest – and appears to be perpetuating the whole thing purely to promote his product line. Who can blame him? The man also hitched his star to Barack Obama – once thought to be at the mercy of the much-discussed ‘Bradley Effect’ the President elect is now an ‘effect’ all by himself. The New York Times claims that more black actors will be hired for lead roles as a result of his election. Is that really true? Is the world that one-dimensional? Or are both incidences merely symptomatic of a societal shift, of which the media, of course, is a part? Kiefer Sutherland, a man who could sit in the thesaurus next to no-nonsense, has his own refreshing perspective on whether 24 helped Obama get elected in the first place.

“You don’t honestly believe that our show helped get the first African-American into the White House do you? All we simply did is look to the future…You have a huge African-American population and it was just a matter of time before they were represented politically by a president.”

Rapper waxes south, terrifies nation with vision of things to come

The man of many names is also the man without hair down there – in a stunning and utterly unnecessary admission, rap mogul P Diddy revealed how, after relaxing with alcohol and James Brown, he waxes his private parts. Recent visitors to New York, or any location in which the rapper-turned-style guru promotes his new clothing range (‘Sean John’) with domineering billboards will be trembling in anticipation of similar strategies to promote future intimate grooming kits.

The terms of recession: turn that frown upside down

How many times do we have to say ‘recession’ for it to become real? Is it like Beetlejuice? Say his name three times and he appears, bringing destitution and negative equity into the world, forcing us all into rags. The media has been having an intensifying conversation with itself over whether or not it can get away with the ‘r’ word, settling for ‘recession fears’ or ‘fears of recession’ simply so this harbinger of doom can be included in a sentence. So, are we in one or not? It is probably beyond anyone to say. The standard definition of a recession is two consecutive quarters of negative growth, but sometimes the indicators can be so complex to calculate that one can be in the depths of it for months without anyone really knowing. Here is a more thorough examination.

One wonders how much effect it has on world markets that yesterday was mathematically ‘the most depressing day of the year’, according to the Samaritans – Blue Monday, in traditional parlance. Considering that stocks and shares are traded so much on the basis of confidence, which people in a fug rather tend to lack, could this be partially responsible? The stocks began their fall in the Asian markets – Black Monday, in financial terms – do Asian news sources tell them similar things about the day’s high potential for cliffjumping?

Surprisingly, the top two cities to have googled for ‘depression’ are in Australia – Melbourne and Sydney. The term could be related to economics too, of course – but the search pattern closely follows that traced by ‘therapy’ so it seems unlikely – while the country most concerned with ‘recession’ is Singapore (also the home of the biggest fixation on ‘sub prime’, just after India). The number of searches for recession skyrocketed at the end of 2007, after a report from Morgan Stanley forecast an American downturn.

(On a different note, it may surprise some readers to learn that searches for Madeleine McCann’ are most popular in Ireland, then South Africa. Given the relentless flow of news without any facts – the latest of which was a sketch of the attacker that resembled a feral George Harrison – it is not the front page pull it once was. The London Evening Standard now steers clear of Maddie front page news (at least, no-news news) due to its damaging effect on sales.)

This January depression fever may also explain the hysterical tone of some of the news coverage. The Independent, which appears to have abandoned any pretence at appearing to be a serious newspaper, splashes with a huge graphic of falling stocks overlaid by ‘CRASH’. To the right is a picture of a man in Y-fronts, the attached text promising a ‘brief history of men’s underwear’ – it is hard to find a more bipolar front page.

Celebrities have their own way of coping with this difficult time of year. The man once known as Puff Daddy – then P. Diddy, then Diddy (still P. Diddy in the UK due to legal reasons) – will combat the trials of the new year with a whole new attitude, or certainly a new name.

“I have always evolved and taken a different name each time. Right now I want to be Sean John because that’s where I am right now.”

As this is two thirds what he was named at birth, does this mean that the Diddyman is at last comfortable with himself? Either that or he has evolved into a finely tailored jacket and slacks – ‘Sean John’ is the name of his sartorial brand (‘It’s not just a label…’ whispers the website – how very true). Still, perhaps the markets can learn from this one-man brand and rename themselves in line with their ‘evolution’. How about the Happy Smiley index of 100 leading shares? Or the Good Returns Guaranteed Industrial Average… it’ll be a whole new era.