Points unknown: From Daleks to Boy George, with no conceivably sane link in between

Daleks, the ancient foe of the Time Lords, are not known for their sense of humour. The classic Dalek joke is an image of the wheeled menaces stumped by a flight of stairs – Russell T. Davies, in his tradition of liberating anything and everything from the shackles of convention, decided that they could fly instead.

Now it emerges that a Dalek has been caught trying to tell a joke, and not a very good one. Given that the clip had to have been made before 1987 (when Patrick Troughton, who participates, died – and sadly didn’t regenerate) it cannot be blamed on Davies, but more likely on a misguided enterprise to turn the metallic exterminators into some kind of new, rounded BBC personality, perhaps even leaving the way open for a chat show. In the 1980s, anything could happen.

Still, perhaps some people would like it – many things are in the eye of the beholder, after all, or even in the mind. Speaking this morning on ‘London’s Biggest Conversation’ robustly right wing funnyman Nick Ferrari lead with typically provocative ‘food allergies… is it all in the mind?’ a point anyone who has had their head explode after eating a peanut will clearly take issue with. But then that’s the point of red top-style radio like Ferrari’s breakfast show, to provoke and entertain – and he does it very, very well.

In a similar vein, although with less thought resultantly provoked, is the current trend for deathwatch journalism. Amy Winehouse has three months to live, according to her incarcerated other half. The sectioned Britney Spears has six months to live, according to to a ‘top US psychologist’, twice the time – a judgement that may seem unfair to Dame Edna Everage, who values the former’s talent but regards the latter as a ‘non-entity‘. We may be depressed that this all passes largely without (human) comment or quiet assistance – but Nick Ferrari is a veteran of such territory. In the 1980s, the fearless Sun reporter made his name on the paper’s then nascent Bizarre columnn, famously claiming ‘Junkie George Has Only Eight Weeks To Live‘. After a spell in rehab, Boy George survived. Fast forward from 1986 to 2007, and this happened. There is no deep message to take from this.

Mussolini ties for second with Chipmunks, while Hitler, Will Smith hit the top spot

Readers who remember the happy if bizarre days of the Alvin And Chipmunks cartoon – in which a trio of fluffy animal popstars held the world in their inexplicable thrall – may have been surprised to learn that the thrillsome three have been resurrected for a new Christmas movie. The thankless straight man role of songwriter Dave is taken by Scientologist and My Name Is Earl star Jason Lee.

‘They came from nowhere, to become an overnight sensation’ intones the trailer to the film about the chipmunks’ return from the wilderness (perhaps literally?).

More troubling than their return, though, is the advertising – seen full out, the ad makes complete sense. The chipmunks have caused a terrible mess and Dave is the one who’s got to sort it out. Some kind of food slinging has occurred in the kitchen. But the cut-out variants, with a solitary chipmunk on Dave’s head and no background, make it look as if the pasta sauce from a food fight is a deep gash drawn across his forehead, possibly by a rogue chipmunk claw. It suggests a much darker narrative than one would expect – possibly along the lines of a Severance-style slashfest set in a corporate retreat, in which Dave finally cracks under the pressure, begins foaming at the mouth and slowly hunts his furry tormentors down, one by agonising one. (The audience would need special headgear to withstand the high pitched screams.)

Nonetheless, it is proving popular. Perhaps partly because of cult confusion caused by its curious ad campaign, the film has opened second to the all-conquering I Am Legend in the U.S. and Canada. As Legend surpassed December receipts for Tolkien finale Return Of The King, that is no mean feat. Indeed, star Will Smith’s new status, as supreme ass-kicker of Middle Earth, seems to have gone to his head. While in London the actor was initially keen to play down his ambitions, claiming that he was not cut out for working in theatreland – a rite of passage for many Hollywooders seeking to boost their credentials (to be fair, Ali did that). But then he made the classic mistake of saying Hitler wasn’t such a bad bloke, really – springing the same bear trap as Bryan Ferry and, more recently, Doctor Who supremo Russell T. Davies. What they say may well be taken out of context, but is that really the point? When will celebrities learn? They must simply enjoy a bit of baiting, or outside-the-box thinking.

Still, why does Hitler get all the love? Why is there none for Mussolini? The fat ugly secret of the Axis powers must be turning double time on that spit of shame in hell, the Devil taunting his lack of celebrity endorsement. ‘See? Not even Paris Hilton mentions your name!!’