Conservative social groups expressed shock yesterday at reports that the Republic of Zimbabwe was ‘afloat on beer and cigarettes‘. Geological specialists confirmed the reports, recording significant deposits of nicotine and alcohol at 1,000 metres below sea level – deposits that were forming a cork ballast to allow the country and its 13 million inhabitants to float out over Mozambique and into the Indian Ocean, putting Zimbabwe into direct competition with the rival party island of Madagascar.
“It’s rather like a hovercraft,” noted Felix Denver, a specialist on site. “Once the country is up and moving, they can take it wherever they want.” Mr Denver added that he had witnessed the erection of a huge sail in the centre of the country, especially designed to catch the strong crosswind that would help propel the nation out to sea, where it would become the ‘Ibiza of Africa’. Zimbabweans are thought to have been partying extra hard for more than 20 years, following strict government guidelines, in order to build up the required level of festive detritus for the journey.
Zimbabwe has long sought recognition as a 24-hour party state, but its leaders believed that they would never be taken seriously while the country remained a part of mainland Africa. This move to put the nation in international waters is likely to secure its position as a destination of choice for the world’s more selective hedonists.
Zimbabwe has been in its current location for thousands of years, and it is uncertain what will replace it. Legal experts have noted that property rights in the country extend down to the planet’s core, and speculated on the transformation of the continental gap into a giant jacuzzi.
News hour, with Jerry Caesar 