‘Congratulations – you’re still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Senator’

The stars are aligning to bring us America’s Next Top Senator – the ultimate monetisation of democracy, with ten cents from every vote going to the network brave enough to show it (probably Fox, teamed with Simon Cowell).

Why? First, there is the thirst for it. Witness the incredible ratings for the presidential debates: 52.4 million for the opening salvos between McCain and Obama, around 70 million for their deputies, the result of aggravated interest in Alaska’s then underexposed Lipstick Pitbull – it’s the narrative wotdunit, your honour; the unexpected twist that drew them in, eager for the next revelation. Ratings for American Idol are still strong (97.5 million votes in the series seven finale, around 40 million viewers), but the next big thing is clearly waiting to be discovered. In an era when broadcast networks will have to struggle all the harder for advertising dollars, any edge is a good one.

Second, the real world has provided the justification, and the perfect first test case. When a senator leaves their seat in mid-term, it is up to the state governor to appoint a replacement. The quest to fill Barack Obama’s shoes in Illinois is now soaked in scandal, after Rod Blagojevich was alleged to be holding the President-elect’s seat up for sale, or at least a quid-pro-quo. Either way, it feels like the Windy City at its gangster finest. (Blagojevich is also alleged to have threatened the financially imperilled Chicago Tribune after receiving critical editorials.)

It’s already up for grabs on eBay, so, what better way to restore public faith than to turn the whole process over to television? Let the people vote – direct democracy, fireworks in the sky and ageing politicians swapping punches in robot suits. Stay tuned for the readymade sequel – the ‘Mash-up in Manhattan’, as Hillary Clinton’s New York seat comes up for grabs. This has a long, if unpredictable life: senators can be quite old, and one could die at any moment, prompting a rush new season of the show. The unexpected twist, you see – the compulsive watchability of real life, realpolitik, as it happens. Watch this space.

Cowell creeps through atmosphere, stakes claim

Joy erupts in the News Hour offices, as our scoop exposing Simon Cowell’s plans to control space gains traction. News media scurryings across the fine print of X Factor contracts have revealed that contestants must not make ‘unduly negative’ comments about the show staff, ‘particularly Simon Cowell’ – more importantly, this is enforceable anywhere in the solar system. Proof positive that Cowell is expanding his clawed reach beyond this planet.

Presumably the thinking is that, were Diana Vickers to gain a berth on Richard Branson’s space bus, she could insult Cowell with impunity from the final frontier. Do libel laws exist in space, or is it just a matter of where the libel is reproduced? In space, can anyone hear you slander?

(I guess they exist if the contract says they do, unless some higher authority claims otherwise – the simplest explanation may be that this is now a standard clause, ever since the launch of space tourism or before.)

Cowell mulls bid for ‘final frontier’ of entertainment

Sources close to Simon Cowell continue to stoke speculation that the entertainment mogul is considering a bid for the whole of space.

‘Simon thinks space is boring, and that we haven’t seen enough of what it can do yet. He believes that the talent is there but that it isn’t being utilised properly; people don’t understand how space connects to them on a daily basis, how it fits into their lives. Every planet needs a story, like every star on the X Factor – the nation needs to feel invested in the success of space and get excited about it again.’

Mr Cowell has been linked to a number of business projects since his much-publicised split with girlfriend Jane Seymour, and is believed to think he can easily outdo the efforts of bearded tycoon Richard Branson.

‘Branson’s just focusing on the small picture, but Simon thinks big. He wants to know what happens when we get into space. If people aren’t interested in it, then why should they buy an expensive ticket to travel there? It’s just common sense, and he believes Branson’s on a hiding to nothing.’

The comments come as Mr Cowell floated ideas to change how the public perceive politics and music, and have fuelled a rally in media stocks.

Bad smiles increasingly common in Hollywood, say analysts

Affirmative action in the US is producing impressive results, analysts claim. Variety reports that the number of white British immigrants on American TV has never been higher, with Gordon of Ramsay recently signing on for <a href="http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/ustv/a130097/gordon-ramsay-inks-deal-with-fox.html
“>two more years as Mr Murdoch’s indentured clown on Hell’s Kitchen USA. Mr Gordon will also troubleshoot the nation’s kitchens as a government condition of his deal with the Fox network, which he stamped with his angriest hand yesterday.

Sir Hugh Laurie continues to do great work as a disability spokesman on the medical mystery series House, in which he plays a man leaning on a stick, pretending to be American. Such is the belly-jiggling happiness of the beer-swilling masses, that they have given him a metal globe to represent his travels. Sir Laurie is said to be ‘most pleased’ with the glistening item.

Still, neither of them can touch the trousers of moustachioed supermigrant Simon de Cowell, whose gleeful denouncements of incompetence have kept America enthralled for two centuries. Some say these Britons are merely inheriting the mantle of A’Lan Rickm’n from the long-lost tower thriller Die Hard – but affirmative action groups claim these roles are resultive of intensive lobbying at Fox, which feeds and houses all three in replica thatched cottages.