News reached us that the mixed blessing of Shibboleth had vacated the Tate Modern. The dramatic installation claimed to have riven the Turbine Hall in two, giving its visitors much to think about in terms of divisions among society, race, wealth, war, etc. The News Hour consensus on this piece veered onto the sceptical side, and tended to climax in expletive-filled rants; it was also our belief that the floor had been built up and then drilled down, rather than actually damaging what was there initially. Having witnessed part of the construction process, we believed a fraud had been perpetrated on the nation.
All this seems a little silly now, especially as it appears we were wrong. Our correspondent was today startled to note that the original floor must indeed have been rent in two, if the ugly cement track now winding through the hall is anything to go by. We stand corrected. All this though, is by the by; a new, more terrible truth emerged during our correspondent’s visit; that this crack created on the base of the gallery has opened a portal into the very bowels of hell itself.
Our art critic Dr Elliot Forsthein was several floors up at the time, meandering between works that piqued his interest. While Shibboleth may have been silenced, the signs of the evil dripping through the walls was unmistakable. Bizarre sexual images from numerous projectors plastered the walls of one room, with barely a nod to any coherent concept of art with which he was familiar. Another room was hung with the macabre fascinations of the Viennese Actionists, a 1960s set that counted the invasive photographic dementia of Rudolf Schwarzkogler among its oeuvre. (Not to confused with the Vienna Secession.)
“The purpose of these works was undoubtedly that of evil. The armies of darkness are gathering,” Dr Forsthein remarked, thoughtfully stroking his beard before continuing, “and guiding them on the mortal plain will be the unspeakable one, the twister of colour and form. That Irishman had no business wearing the suit of a human, and it is ever to my discredit that his works have such a hold over me. The surreal, and sheer extraterrestrial force of Francis Bacon will return to kill us all.”
Dr Forsthein’s remarks came after his reappraisal of Bacon’s Second Version of the Triptych, a demented yet beautifully coloured work that has driven many insane with its intellectual tendrils. In recent weeks, the deep reds have transfixed increasing numbers of gallery-goers, who are left unable to eat, move, or even use the toilet. An entire underground hospital is being constructed under Lord’s cricket ground to provide support for the scarred, many of whom can never look at the colour red in the same way again. Most terrifying of all, the date for the invasion seems to have been set. And no one will do anything about it.
News hour, with Jerry Caesar 