Pity poor Scottish fans of Barbadian singer Rihanna, who were banned from bringing umbrellas into the arena on her Monday gig – after several ‘umbrella-related accidents’ had occurred in Europe. (One wonders that the singer doesn’t show greater sensitivity to the evil of rain, coming from a country where the annual deluge can be more than double that which falls on Aberdeen. Perhaps she is desensitised.)
The inspiration for said accidents stems from imitations of on-stage actions involving prop umbrellas during recitals of ‘Umbrella’, leading to small worlds of hurt in the throbbing stalls. Presumably these stage umbrellas were never meant to see action, and would shatter like a sugarglass bottle upon contact with one’s head. Not so in the crowd, where replication can require medication. As the lyrics to ‘Umbrella’ remark, ‘Good girl gone bad.’ Quite so – there’ll be plenty of European mums thinking the same when their offspring return sporting black eyes, and little will they accept the explanation: ‘An umbrella hit me’. Oh no – it’ll be groundings all round.
Still, it’s not always easy to distinguish between what’s real and what’s not. Staff at Paris Fashion Week have reportedly been duped by a fake Anna Wintour strolling in and out of the Lanvin fashion show unchallenged. Top marks to whoever is behind it: If you’re going to imitate anyone, it might as well be someone as feared as the Vogue editor once nicknamed ‘Nuclear’ (Wintour). One wonders whether it is Justin Lee Collins, working on a new series where he inveigles himself among the fashion industry and sinks the trends of the coming season with off-colour remarks? Maybe he wouldn’t have the ankles for it.
(UPDATE: It turns out that the spoofer is French ‘television personality’ Mademoiselle Agnès:
“When I walked in it was very easy to come in and everybody parted for me and I can hit my assistant and do a lot of things,” Agnès smiled. “I ran out right after and it was funny because I remember she always runs out just after the show so I had to do it.”)
Back to our Barbadian, and if Rihanna does a song of similar strength called ‘Cigarette Lighter’ (‘yo the wick, yo ma gasoline’ – it writes itself, she’d be mad not to) will hopeful fans be banned from waving those about in the back row, too, or setting each other alight? It’s political correctness gone mad.
News hour, with Jerry Caesar 