Model Moss ‘crumbling into the sea’

The government plans to enhance the defences of Kate Moss, amid reports that the model is crumbling into the sea. Ms Moss is halfway through her current decade, and her membranes should function for years to come – but global warming and rising sea levels have both apparently taken their toll on her lovely chalk face. The model’s increasing proximity to the sea is said to have halved property prices toward her thigh, with prices below the knee said to have collapsed completely.

‘Kate Moss is vital to our national heritage,’ said secretary of state David Miliband. ‘She has become an iconic component of our image abroad, one that we must protect as well as cherish. Since the days of Caesar, her pure, lovely cheeks have served as a deterrent to those would wish Britain harm.’

A giant scaffold has been erected around the model, who will be healed by a thousand midgets over the course of three months. The midgets plan to use a combination of superstrong twine and plaster of Paris, but were unavailable for comment as to their progress. Moss herself has remained silent since an incident in 1993.