Kutcher’s sex claims considered ‘unique’

Shock rippled throughout the celebrity world today, as Kabbalah enthusiast Ashton Kutcher revealed that, before he met his future wife Demi Moore, he partied a lot and had “no desire to be in a relationship whatsoever” – marking him out as unique from the rest of the male species.

The stunning words spilled further forth, as the Punk’d prankster went on to make claims that many would consider make him very special indeed. “I am going to party, I’m going to sleep with this girl and that girl”, claimed the younger Ashton from across the winds of time, the echoes of his former, free-living self swirling around his now married and 30-year-old head. Speaking from a chair as part of a whirlwind global tour to announce his important message, the elder Ashton had a more mature, academic take on the sociology of the subject: “Girls are raised socially to find that special someone and get married… and social conditioning raises guys to get laid”, noted the star of That 70s Show. His tour continues.