Icelanders ‘refuse to return Glenn Miller’

Premier claims to reflect will of the people

Outrage continued to build in the international community last night, as the Icelandic government hardened its position on the release of 40s Big Band sensation Glenn Miller. The swing star, who America has mourned since his disappearance in 1944, was recently revealed to be working in subterranean caverns beneath the surface of Iceland. For the past 65 years, Mr Miller has formed the heart of a musical chain gang fleshed out by Elvis Presley, Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and Amelia Earhart. Sources suggest that the singers have spent many hours forcibly tutoring generations of Icelandic musicians, their chief success being the quirky songstress Bjork.

This stolen cadre of tonal talent has become dear to millions of Icelanders, and Prime Minister Huggy Ragnarsson says that to release them would be unacceptable. Ms Ragnarsson went on to claim that the group ‘have no memory of their previous home,’ a notion hotly dismssed by their descendants around the world.

Kerry in wrong supermarket reunion dash riddle

Far be it from News Hour to comment on such matters, but wouldn’t it have been neater for Kerry Katona to reunite with the husband who ‘bled her dry’ outside Iceland – home to her sponsorship deal – rather than Tesco? Think of the adverts that could have been spun off from that one, so easing her perilous financial situation. Iceland could even spin a dating site out of it, suggesting another reason that mum could go to Iceland – to find a ‘Maeaark!’ of their very own. Aaah.

Be bigger, better, bolder: Advertise your little hearts out

This year’s Christmas celebrations saw celebrities invade our homes like never before, with supermarkets plugging brand values through appropriate or aspirational rafts of starry shoppers apparently patronising their doubtless fine establishments. Alan Hansen and Lulu (Morrisons), Antonio Banderas and Twiggy (M&S), all five of The Spice Girls (Tesco – branded lines of turmeric and oregano are only a few bad chart placing away). Further afield, Uma Thurman stood in front of a hairdryer to demonstrate the power of Virgin broadband. Whether or not individual celebrities are effective in boosting sales is almost beside the point – they provide a hook for people to talk about, and all conversation generated therefrom is grist to the brand mill.

(So much, so obvious, but moral tightropes such as Kerry Katona can cause problems – News Hour caught mention of Coleen McLoughlin in an Iceland ad the other day and wondered whether Katona might soon be asked to pass the torch (as a former celebrity shopper of the year, she has the chops). One can only speculate as to what fresh hells might be unleashed in the name of promoting Katona’s new reality series.)

But what has happened to the old fashioned stunt? The world of advertising is a cynical place, so an outrageous splurge on sheer spectacle, something which bypasses celebrity every time, is always welcome. Look at the big, bouncing balls in the Sony Bravia advert, and the play-doh and exploding paint that followed – the fact that they shut down parts of San Francisco to film it rather employing digital trickery is commendable by itself, but it makes sense, too – the buzz generated by the filming is an advert all of its own. (The savvy London agency behind it, Fallon, also came up with the Cadbury’s drumming gorilla.) Tango spoofed it, and Orange has come out with a similar (but not as good) advert since, while Guinness had a rather impressive stab at a super-scale domino rally. Why can’t supermarkets do something equally as creative?

This isn’t about money. Tesco is expected to make a profit of £2.8 billion this financial year; Sony’s profit are predicted to dive due to the costs of the Playstation 3, but barely crested £1 billion in the previous 12 months. So, new year’s resolution for supermarkets: show some imagination. Just because the shops are an everyday thing, it doesn’t mean that their advertising has to be.

Partying like a celeb? Call in the food doctor

News Hour are scratching their collective heads over how Kerry Katona maintains her sponsorship deal with Iceland, reputed to be worth a fair chunk of her £1.5 million income last year. The news that she had suffered a major ‘health scare’ that necessitated the attentions of a food expert must prompt many to wonder whether ‘partying like a celeb’ as she is shown to do in the new Iceland ads, is really any good for you at all. This is not aspirational shopping.

The gulf between the image and the reported reality appears to be. So what could be behind the decision to keep her on? Are her problems seen as reflective of Iceland’s customers? Do they too appear on GMTV and ramble incessantly? Do they smoke while they’re pregnant? Are people supposed to relate to her difficulties as a working mum? (Writing a novel, that sort of thing.) It seems unlikely, and could be construed as offensive to Iceland’s loyal band of shoppers if so.

It’s certainly a long way from the wholesome days of ‘Mum’s gone to Iceland’, a time when supermarkets didn’t compete quite so voraciously for celebrity endorsement. (The Spice Girls, Lulu and Alan Hansen, Jamie Oliver, the list goes on.) News Hour speculates that, until recently, axing her was probably more trouble than it was worth. Admittedly, she is not Sophie Anderton. And perhaps the line ‘partying like a celeb’ is ironic, meant to chime with the low-level contestants on the sponsee reality show, I’m A Celebrity. Still, one wonders where the tipping point is between everyone talking about an advert because it is terrible, and simply not going to the shop because you are scared of what you might find.