Size zero Santa?

Santa, it seems, is too fat for Bluewater. The shopping centre’s squad of Kris Kringles are being ordered to slim down or ship out as the grotto season approaches, transforming themselves from rosy cheeked pie-lovers to reasonable, sensibly proportioned men of presents. This is like the decline of fat darts players; sad, but perhaps inevitable. The professionalisation of an industry is often a sad thing to watch. While today’s Santas will doubtless be more efficient, they will most surely lack the individual flair of their predecessors, and be considerably less fun. One can imagine the dinner parties, as earnest discussions about the price of carrots supplant the clink of sherry glasses and slow hiss of expanding waistlines. Is the price of Santa cotton going up this year? If so, the elf work uniforms are going to cost more, and that’s going to hurt the budget. There’ll be belt tightening all round at the North Pole – lucky Santa’s already got a head start.

One wonders what cancer-fearing obesity tsars have to say about Hairspray’s Tracy Turnblad, who, despite being larger than the average girl (dependant on your country of origin, I suppose), manages to end racial segregation in Baltimore. (If she was thinner, she probably could have done all 50 states in half the time.) This role holds an inherent paradox for its performer: it requires a lot of simultaneous singing and dancing, which requires great physical fitness. Will Leanne Jones, currently performing the role in London’s West End, be forced to wear a fat suit and chin extensions as her training regime starts to take effect? Perhaps she will be allowed days off to bulk up – trapped with her mouth wedged on the end of a non stop pasta production line, with jet hoses dousing her in weightlifter’s milkshake.