Rhinos are key to success, maintains Darling

The chancellor unveiled plans to increase the number of rhino in work yesterday, as part of a raft of new measures being floated to dam the deepening recession chasm.

‘Our rhino are among the finest in the world,’ said the chancellor, striking the table in front of him. ‘All they need is the tools to do the job.’

He went on to outline detailed plans for a ‘Rhino Reading Programme’ under which modern rhino would be encouraged to learn the literary greats by rope – starting with A Tale Of Two Cities, Crime And Punishment, and the poetry of William Wordsworth.

Enduring fierce questioning from community leaders, the chancellor rebuked attacks that these measures would favour mostly white rhino, and further disenfranchise Britain’s ghettoised black rhino community, many of whom are below the poverty line. Stung to the edge of his reason, Mr Darling boldly claimed that ‘no rhino will be left behind’. Will they? The increase in word-understanding is predicted to make the rhino more employable, and more attractive to human mates. Mr Darling stated that a ‘cross-pollination of inter-species skills’ was required in order to rejuvenate to flagging British economy, which is predicted to contract in 2009 unless drastic measures are taken.

Until now, the chancellor’s foremost plan involved a complex economic formulation called ‘borrowing from the future’ in which treasury secretaries would use hastily constructed time machines to steal gold from the Bank of England 100 years from now. Sources speculate that future plans may involve ‘borrowing from parallel universes’, a move that may cause chaos for established inter-dimensional forex traders.