Relief for London’s weary revellers

To celebrate the acceleration of party season in London, Westminster City Council has initiated the ‘satlav’ system, a text message service designed to direct revellers to their nearest toilet in times of need (text ‘toilet’ to 80097). Given recent problems with satnav, this could lead to some misjudgements, with unsteady users following instructions ‘to the letter’ only to end up relieving themselves in the middle of the road.

‘It was the satlav, officer! I swear there is a toilet here. No, I can’t see it either, but my phone swears blind. See? Walk 15 paces left and dig at the ‘X’. I thought the leaves were an environmentally friendly dispenser.’

Perhaps the service could be combined with Tom-Tom’s curious new range of themed voices to brighten up long journeys. These include:

-Yoda (special skills: powers of persuasion, steers you clear of the dark side)
-Michael Jackson (special skills: moving backwards, turning into a robot, jokes that can’t be made for legal reasons)
-a dalek (special skills: lethal road rage, flying, appearing in panto alongside John Barrowman)
-Shaggy from Scooby Doo (special skills: running away from ghosts, automatically pulling in at late night petrol stations).

Suggestions for ‘satlav’ voices to the usual address.