House Republicans voted against President Obama’s recovery package yesterday, claiming that the administration was ‘trying to turn America into France’.
It is claimed that the economic stimulus, valued at close to $900 billion, is host to many parasitic ‘pork barrel’ projects – leading the GOP to assert it Mr Obama’s ‘worst abuse’ of power yet, no small feat considering the Democrat has barely been in office a fortnight.
‘I like him’, claimed one Republican, ‘but his plan to fund mime classes for all children is just part of a plot to turn us all into cheese-eating surrender monkeys, one child at a time.’
The ethnic equation was further confused by the addition of a ‘Trojan horse’, inside which the plan was allegedly to be smuggled through Congress. Mr Obama is thought to have attached solar-powered electric wheels to the horse, in order to speed its passage through the building. Blueprints obtained by News Hour show the equine to be barely two feet tall, enabling it pass by most house members unnoticed, especially during the President’s obligatory wine-and-cheese evenings. Experts have speculated that it could double as a waiter in emergencies.
The Republicans have repositioned themselves as the party of ‘back to basics’, a political position that sees no future in the maniacal excesses of the Gallic nation, where all industry is owned by the state and children are forced to smoke, drink, strike and philosophise from an early age.
News hour, with Jerry Caesar 