Large Hadron Collider ‘shrinks economy’

Suspicions that the Large Hadron Collider had created a black hole in the British economy were confirmed today, when the financial mass shrunk by a further 0.4 per cent. The economy, 208, has been steadily shrinking since the device began its nefarious operation from CERN’s underground lair in Geneva last year, and reports suggest that its plans are close to fruition.

‘The Large Hadron Collider plans to wreck our economy with its black holes,’ thundered Prime Minister Gordon Brown. ‘But I say we shall stand firm, and slay this mechanical devil.’

Reports of military action against the LHC are thought to be wide of the mark, but elements of the British fleet have repositioned themselves to be within striking distance of Switzerland, in what is described by the Ministry of Defence to ‘a series of planned training exercises in which deadly nuclear missiles may be launched at a target not yet identified’.

Last month, the black hole was also alleged to have claimed British finances. Hooks have been lowered into the deathly expanse, but the finances are not expected to be found until at least 2025.