Scanner ‘puts sexy back’ into Manchester

‘Sexy time’ is said to be under way at Manchester Airport, after boffins installed a new X-ray scanner that shows passengers in the altogether.

‘It was ze huge challenge,’ claimed bespectacled boffin Dr Windruber. ‘To get the beam to stop just beneath ze clothes, and just above ze skin.’ Previous models of the device, trialled in the 1970s and 80s, had experienced just such problems. Dr Windruber’s work has short-circuited the issue with the use of ‘intelligent’ X-rays, a technique that the scientist calls ‘ze sex ray’.

News Hour observed the first run of the device, which resembles a long enclosed travelator, yesterday. Women were seen to begin jiggling uncontrollably when entering its length, a side effect that Windruber explains: ‘In order to shake out all ze saucy items today’s naughty passenger carries, ve must facilitate ze jiggling action with ze motors.’ Dr Windruber demonstrates the desired action by moving cupped hands up and down in front of his chest. ‘Zis is essential to modern air security.’