Strategist to Dems: ‘no more bed-wetting’

David Plouffe, the senior Democratic strategist recently re-recruited by President Obama, thinks he may have got to the heart of the party’s problems. ‘I want you all to stop bed wetting,’ said Mr Plouffe to a hastily convened party meeting on the White House lawn. He went on to announce a controversial refocusing of strategy away from the usual soiling of underwear at the first sign of trouble. The practise is thought to extend right from the lower to the higher echelons of the party, although no Republican is said to have ever been afflicted (it is uncertain where defectors such as Arlen Specter sit in this equation). Scientists are said to be baffled.

As with the election in 2008, for Mr Plouffe the internet is key. He outlined a ‘swift action strategy solution’ – or ‘SASS’ – in which Democratic action groups would each be assigned a digital moisture monitor that tracks the dampness of a house representative from their district. Mr Plouffe has also established funding streams to research new forms of invisible plastic sheeting for Democrats to hide their ‘accidents’ in the house and senate, along with specially designed underwear to withstand the rigours of the campaign trail.

Democratic bed wetting has been an open secret among the chattering classes inside the beltway since 1953, although Mr Plouffe is the first to confront the issue so publicly, believing that the party needs to lay such divisive demons to rest in order to ‘move forward with strength’.

NEWS IN BRIEF: Google denies slur

Google has reacted angrily to claims that its new browser, Chrome, is handmade in China by children less than six months old. The internet giant denies the existence of so-called ‘Google farms’ in which rows of infants assemble the colourful plastic shapes that combine to form the revolutionary new surfing experience, with the instant bookmark homepage said to cause most injuries. The resulting software is then allegedly shipped through the company’s sophisticated ‘world wide web’ postal delivery system.

Hankering for a quirky animal story?

Try this tale of an unwilling feline juror. Is it true? We hope so…

Why Wall Street 2? Well, the original didn’t end too well…

Why make a sequel to Wall Street, you may ask? Wasn’t that a self-contained ode to 1980s greed? Well perhaps, but it also had a terrible ending. Charlie Sheen ran into court and you were eager to see what happened next. Where would he, Michael Douglas and Daryl Hannah end up? But we were never to find out. The camera panned away over Manhattan like Oliver Stone had got bored, flipping into a shorthand for ‘cases like this happen all the time’, or ‘just another brick in the wall’.

It simply wasn’t good enough. To add insult to injury, it didn’t work –  the tone of the film doesn’t match up. This wasn’t American Psycho, not a detached portrait of a symptomatic personality. You can’t get metaphysical. It’s personal, a long back and forth between Charlie Sheen’s two polar paternal figures- the ruthless Gekko and his aggressively everyday dad. That Martin Sheen plays the dad makes it that bit more deliberate.

Fast forward 23 years, and Mr Stone returns to cap the story off, with Michael Douglas’s disgraced Gekko out of jail, having played Cassandra over the credit crunch – and there will be a cameo from Charlie Sheen. It feels like a cinematic bookend to a time gone by. Hopefully, it will be decent fun to watch, too.

Obama ‘eyes Hollywood exit’

The 44th President was described as ‘relaxed, chatty’ during his State Of The Union address, when he was also seen to ‘laugh at his own jokes’ – prompting some to speculate that Obama has eyes for Jay Leno’s chair.

‘The jockeying at NBC got the President thinking that, maybe, just maybe, he should play to his strengths,’ said a White House source. ‘He’s always liked talking and bringing people together, so why not just get
paid for that?’ The source went on to say that the President had become disillusioned with politics, and began turning his eyes to Hollywood shortly after the recent party rout in Massachusetts.

He even has a sparring partner in mind – in fact, he has two. The President is torn between Union disputant Justice Samuel Alito and Republican heckler Joe Wilson to play Hank to his Larry.

Neither NBC nor the White House declined to comment.

Don’t let dislike of Jolie cloud your judgement

That many women dislike Angelina Jolie is obvious, but you would hope that newspapers could reign in their dislike in the coverage that followed her supposed ‘split’ from Brad Pitt in the last week.

Writing in The Independent – where one would expect bile, if not opinion, to be checked – Amy Jenkins claims, possibly at the behest of an editor, that the actress has ‘arguably never made a good film’. You wonder if a sub inserted the ‘arguably’ as this is simply untrue. While she may not be the best thing about Clint Eastwood’s magnificent Changeling, Jolie is undoubtedly very good as its lead. She gave an even more remarkable performance in the real-life tale A Mighty Heart, a role that it was impressive simply to be able to play. First, it involved a kind of blacking up – always a PR hill to climb. Second, a huge, high profile celebrity is always going to seem inappropriate for a story of such gravity. That she carried it off at all is a testament to her skill at convincing you she should and can, which is a key part of the actor’s craft whichever way you spin it. (Even leaving aside her Oscar for Girl, Interrupted.)

If the target was movies such as Tomb Raider, then – frankly – who cares? Genre movies have their place, and stand as an issue apart from issues of ‘art’. To consider them ‘good’ or ‘bad’ films outside their genre on the basis or artistic prejudice is unfair and has more to do with snobbery than anything else.

Leaving all that aside, the ‘split’ seems to be a popular fiction, at least according to TMZ – who are usually to be regarded as close to gospel in these things.

Obama faces new challenge

President Obama is facing a surprise mid-term electoral challenge from Apple’s iPad, with the device planning to contend congressional seats across all 50 states. The iPad, which has already hit the campaign trail, can communicate with voters 24 hours a day through its sleek touchscreen interface, and functions as its own support team. Using specially designed apps, the machine will email local action groups, take pictures of itself with babies, and recut footage from the day into professional campaign adverts that will automatically be uploaded to YouTube.

David Plouffe, the President’s recently re-recruited election strategist, is thought to be considering a negative campaign to ‘cut the bas****s off at the knees’, claiming them to be little more than ‘glorifed Kindles’ or ‘silly little televisions that you can’t watch football on and break all the time’. The President will address the nation tonight on the danger of ‘electing digital machines for an analogue world’ but it is thought that most Americans will now be feverishly pining for the seductive lines of Apple’s latest gadget.

Obama ‘squares up to squirrels’

President Obama has announced ‘real, substantial progress’ in tackling the squirrel problem on Pennsylvania Avenue. The commander-in-chief has been taking ‘time out’ from his healthcare bill to concentrate on the infestation, but refuses to be drawn on whether this new focus is the result of a paralysing voter revolt in Massachusetts.

Mr Obama is ploughing his efforts into forging a consensus among avenue dwellers on the best way to tackle the ingenious vermin, which the former law teacher has said are little more than ‘rats with tails’. Such is his dislike of the creatures that the Hawaiian native is said to spend weekends perched on the roof of the West Wing, scanning the lawn with his sniper scope and hoping to catch one of them off guard. Members of the local neighbourhood watch have described the President’s in-meeting manner as ‘driven, but collegiate’. 

‘He doesn’t take any nonsense,’ said one. ‘But if you’ve got a point and can build your case, he’ll listen, doesn’t matter who you are. I tell you, Barry has lit a fire under several of us in the past few days,’ chuckled the source.

Obama ‘to focus on hobbies’ following Massachusetts defeat

President Obama has taken the Democrats’ defeat in Massachusetts as a sign that he fundamentally misunderstood his mandate from the people. ‘I need to do less for the country and more for myself. This defeat is a clear message from Americans of every race, colour and creed that their commander in chief needs some time to himself. And I will not disagree with that assessment.’

The President believes that the nation is concerned about him over-exerting himself, and that voters intended this defeat as a gentle nudge in the direction of Calvin Coolidge, the US President who famously slept for 23 hours a day – an hour longer than a koala.

Mr Obama is said to have plenty of projects ‘on the back burner’ that he’s been ‘meaning to get to for ages’. Examples include tidying the garage, mowing the lawn, and fixing a recurrent damp problem in the east wing. The President could not be reached for comment, although advisors noted that he had been ‘deep in consultation’ about the possibility of holding a yard sale after the lawn mowing was completed.

Awkward moments on the Red Carpet: Screen Actors Guild Awards 2010

Questions that could have gone wrong No 1: ‘You steal every scene you’re in. Have you ever stolen anything in real life?’ Co-host Ross Matthews to the 11-year-old Rico Rodgriguez, young star of Modern Family.

Questions that could have gone wrong No 2: Co-host Giuliana Rancic to Modern Family’s Sofia Vergara, on learning that she is single – ‘Are you a cougar or a trophy wife?’ What a choice.

Questions that could have gone wrong No 3, Ross Matthews to Kevin Bacon: ‘Kevin Bacon, have you always been a ham?’ The effortlessly cool actor took it well, but looked like he was itching to get away from Matthews.

Be-humble-or-women-may-hate-you-question, Giuliana Rancic to Julia Louis-Dreyfus: ‘When you look in the mirror, do you feel sexy?’ ‘I actually didn’t.’

Awkward fashion moment of the night: Modern Family’s Sarah Hyland, not knowing who she was wearing when asked by Giuliana Rancic. Uh-oh.

Obsequious inquiry of the night: ‘How do you stay so real, Penelope?’ Giuliana Rancic to Penelope Cruz. Up there with this.

Snippets from the Red Carpet: Screen Actors Guild Awards 2010

Moments… Co-host Ross Matthews bigging up the possibility of ‘Steel Magnolias 2’ while talking to Carey Mulligan – an option for the young British star? Can she do a Southern accent?

Co-host Giuliana Rancic to Alec Baldwin: ‘Do you look in the mirror and think damn, I’m handsome?’ ‘Erm, no…Stephen does that. He wakes up and thinks ‘what a burden it is to be as good looking as I am.’ ‘

Tina Fey wanting to know whether Ms Rancic was one of those who took a ‘steaming dump’ on her Little Bo Peep look for the Golden Globes, last weekend. Feelings everywhere are still raw after the Globes fashion judgements, except with Penelope Cruz – who doesn’t appear at all interested that she came on top. Fey’s 30 Rock co-star looks the picture of diplomacy when Rancic asks her about the dress later.

On another note, Fey denies that she’s the secret ‘third host’ for the Oscars, something Alec Baldwin was keen on – it would save him 17 per cent of the work, he says.

Hangover star Ed Helms on his Office co-star Steve Carell: ‘Huge diva’. It’s like the to and fro between Ricky Gervais and Carell at the Golden Globes – it does the latter’s nice guy image no end of good, not that he needs it.

Crushes… Betty White admits her big Hollywood crush – Robert Redford. It’s an age gap of 15 years, not so much as you’d think (88 to 73).

Precious star Sherri Shepherd: ‘Alec Baldwin is looking really really yummy!’ Baldwin already had a hunted look about him – now he has a reason for it.

Glee star Matthew Morrison has a ‘man crush’ on Justin Timberlake – he also made amazingly cool Matrix-style use of the 360 degree E! Glam Cam.

Spotted… Benjamin Bratt looking like he’s having the time of his life, recognising the love in the crowd, blowing up the red carpet rocking the casual look and giving super quick handshakes with a massive grin on his face.

Fry’s role in Olympics: New details emerge

Details are emerging following the revelation that Stephen Fry will be ‘the voice of the London Olympics‘. In plans seen by News Hour, it is revealed that the tones of the nation’s favourite polymath will be employed to
welcome athletes with reassuring anecdotes about Henry VIII, Dick Whittington, and the ravens at the Tower Of London. His role will be to challenge the perception of London as a knife-ridden hellhole where nothing works and all the people are vile to each other.

During the games, Mr Fry will  introduce every athlete with a charming but little known fact about their country of origin, before congratulating them on their performance with a sentence along these lines: ‘And there goes lovely Mr Utali from Uganda, who is simply one of the loveliest pole vaulters we have seen all afternoon. Let’s have a hand for such a marvellous effort – do come again.’

Fry’s love of trivia is said to be integral to organisers’ plans to foster a learned and welcoming air to the London Olympiad, with the hopes of changing athletes’ expectations of being knifed at gunpoint the moment that they step off the plane. Reports that Kendo Nagasaki will be the ‘arms of the Olympics’ have been refuted by organisers, although there has been speculation that this is simply the latest stage of a negotiation process over the wrestler’s fees.

Latest outrage against newsreader Stuart

In the latest indignity to be heaped upon veteran newsreader Moira Stuart, the broadcaster is being forced by BBC bosses to read the 6 O’Clock bulletin while sitting on a giant ‘n’, surrounded by ironic quotations marks. The floating punctuation, thought to be part of an expensive image overhaul for the BBC’s news operation, has caused outrage up and down the country, but admiration for Moira has soared.

‘She just sits there, smiles, and reads the news. Moira doesn’t care what all those misogynists do to her – she’s better than that, she rises above it,’ said Professor BeGora MeGirty, a specialist in Feminist Activisim from Sussex University. ‘Moira is a true stoic for our times, but sometimes I wish she would take a stand against the ridiculous situations these woman-hating ******* put her in.’

Ms Stuart declined to comment.

Bafta Film Awards 2010: Predictions

Another awards ceremony, another list of predictions. Tedious? We hope not. The ceremony took place on February 21.
UPDATE: A 59 per cent success rate. Could try harder.

bold = winner
italic = News Hour pick

BEST FILM
AVATAR
AN EDUCATION
THE HURT LOCKER
PRECIOUS
UP IN THE AIR

OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM
AN EDUCATION
FISH TANK
IN THE LOOP
MOON
NOWHERE BOY

DIRECTOR
AVATAR James Cameron
DISTRICT 9 Neill Blomkamp
AN EDUCATION Lone Scherfig
THE HURT LOCKER Kathryn Bigelow
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS Quentin Tarantino

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
THE HANGOVER Jon Lucas, Scott Moore
THE HURT LOCKER Mark Boal
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS Quentin Tarantino
A SERIOUS MAN Joel Coen, Ethan Coen
UP Bob Peterson, Pete Docter

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
DISTRICT 9 Neill Blomkamp, Terri Tatchell
AN EDUCATION Nick Hornby
IN THE LOOP Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, Tony Roche
PRECIOUS Geoffrey Fletcher
UP IN THE AIR Jason Reitman, Sheldon Turner

FILM NOT IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
BROKEN EMBRACES
COCO BEFORE CHANEL
LET THE RIGHT ONE IN
A PROPHET
THE WHITE RIBBON

ANIMATED FILM
CORALINE
FANTASTIC MR FOX
UP

LEADING ACTOR
JEFF BRIDGES Crazy Heart
GEORGE CLOONEY Up in the Air
COLIN FIRTH A Single Man
JEREMY RENNER The Hurt Locker
ANDY SERKIS Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll

LEADING ACTRESS
CAREY MULLIGAN An Education
SAOIRSE RONAN The Lovely Bones
GABOUREY SIDIBE Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
MERYL STREEP Julie & Julia
AUDREY TAUTOU Coco Before Chanel

SUPPORTING ACTOR
ALEC BALDWIN It’s Complicated
CHRISTIAN McKAY Me and Orson Welles
ALFRED MOLINA An Education
STANLEY TUCCI The Lovely Bones
CHRISTOPH WALTZ Inglourious Basterds

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
ANNE-MARIE DUFF Nowhere Boy
VERA FARMIGA Up in the Air
ANNA KENDRICK Up in the Air
MO’NIQUE Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS Nowhere Boy

CINEMATOGRAPHY
AVATAR Mauro Fiore
DISTRICT 9 Trent Opaloch
THE HURT LOCKER Barry Ackroyd
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS Robert Richardson
THE ROAD Javier Aguirresarobe

EDITING
AVATAR Stephen Rivkin, John Refoua, James Cameron
DISTRICT 9 Julian Clarke
THE HURT LOCKER Bob Murawski, Chris Innis
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS Sally Menke
UP IN THE AIR Dana E. Glauberman

PRODUCTION DESIGN
AVATAR Rick Carter, Robert Stromberg, Kim Sinclair
DISTRICT 9 Philip Ivey, Guy Potgieter
HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE Stuart Craig, Stephenie McMillan
THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS Nominees TBC
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS David Wasco, Sandy Reynolds Wasco

COSTUME DESIGN
BRIGHT STAR Janet Patterson
COCO BEFORE CHANEL Catherine Leterrier
AN EDUCATION Odile Dicks-Mireaux
A SINGLE MAN Arianne Phillips
THE YOUNG VICTORIA Sandy Powell

SPECIAL VISUAL EFFECTS
AVATAR
DISTRICT 9
HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE
THE HURT LOCKER
STAR TREK

THE ORANGE RISING STAR AWARD (public vote)
JESSE EISENBERG
NICHOLAS HOULT
CAREY MULLIGAN
TAHAR RAHIM
KRISTEN STEWART

The iPad: A little bit o’Star Trek

The iPad is a tricky device. Who wants to carry a ten inch screen in their handbags or manbags? Especially a screen that is easily scratched or cracked. You don’t spend a big chunk of change on something like that just to dump it in your carrybags next to the can of hot dogs. Something like that needs to fit in your pocket – as such, it needs to fold or simply be small enough to fit naturally. This is why newspapers are still useful – they fold, and don’t break. And you’re unlikely to need more than one newspaper on the average commuter’s bus journey (although that does depend on the newspaper).

No, the iPad’s home seems destined to be the coffee table – a handy way of persuing all the Sunday papers without having all the mess of the actual papers everywhere. Fancy a chapter of that new book you’ve been reading as a break? Just switch over. No getting up for you. It’s the equivalent of the remote control for your library, and will doubtless enlarge the size of many behinds. It’ll probably deal with video and music too, so there’ll be no getting up ever. Soon it will even wipe your behind. Most importantly though, it looks a bit Star Trek – and if you could call up things by voice, wouldn’t that be pretty cool? ‘Computer: Hamlet, Act 3.’ And there it is. It’d be like being Commander Data.

An instructive link on the machinery of controlled corporate leaks. And you thought it was just the politicians…

Uncertain about the new Sherlock Holmes? Try this

If you’re split over whether to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie, try listening to its main theme – Discombobulate – by the great Hans Zimmer, the inspired genius behind the theme to Driving Miss Daisy (try getting that out of your head after hearing it twice), Toys (cute ‘n’ catchy), Gladiator (sweeping, epic, brings a tear to the adolescent male’s eye) and the TV quiz Going For Gold (iconic to a whole generation of British students).

Mr Zimmer created a song that so perfectly sets and reflects the opening mood of the movie that it could easily serve as an acid test for the film. It’s all there – the quick cuts, the jangly Wild West inflection, the sheer barrelling energy of the project and unpredictability both of Downey’s Holmes and Victorian London. (Although it should be noted that Mr Downey, Jr, didn’t seem to enamoured of the violins involved when he trotted up to retrieve his Golden Globe the other weekend.)

The composer is not, however, to be confused with the musical Einstein behind Crockett’s Theme – the ode to smooth that adorned the opening credits of Miami Vice. That would be Jan Hammer.

The Framley Examiner – surpassed by local paper reality?

We mentioned that the Framley Examiner has posted a new edition. Well, the reality of local papers can be even stranger, as anyone who has sat alone in a pub on the Kent coast reading one will surely testify. See this rather excellent account of real-life regional curiosities.

Evening Standard Film Awards 2010: Predictions

Another day, another list of predictions. Here’s our guestimates for this year’s Evening Standard Film Awards. The awards take place on February 8.

UPDATE: A new low – we predicted just 25 per cent of the awards correctly.

italic = News Hour pick
bold = winner

Best Film
Bright Star
Fish Tank
Helen

Best Actor
Tom Hardy (Bronson)
Christian McKay (Me And Orson Welles)
Alex MacQueen (The Hide)
Andy Serkis (Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll)

Best Actress
Anne-Marie Duff (Nowhere Boy)
Kelly Macdonald (The Merry Gentleman)
Carey Mulligan (An Education)

The Peter Sellers Award for Comedy
Peter Capaldi (In The Loop)
Sacha Baron Cohen (Bruno)
Ricky Gervais (The Invention Of Lying)

Best Screenplay
Jesse Armstrong/Simon Blackwell/Armando Iannucci/Tony Roche (In The Loop)
Nick Hornby (An Education)
Paul Laverty (Looking for Eric)

London Film Museum Award for Technical Achievement 
Barry Ackroyd Cinematographer, The Hurt Locker
James Herbert Film editor, Sherlock Holmes
Tony Noble Production designer, Moon

Most Promising Newcomer
Katie Jarvis for her performance in Fish Tank
Duncan Jones for his direction of Moon
Peter Strickland for his direction and screenplay of Katalin Varga

Best Documentary
Afghan Star Havana Marking
Anvil! The Story Of Anvil Sacha Gervasi
Sleep Furiously Gideon Koppel

Golden Globes 2010: Wedgie unlocks Baldwin transformation?

…is Ryan Seacrest turning into Alec Baldwin? The man appears to be changing before our eyes. Perhaps it had something to do with getting a wedgie from nervy newbie presenter Mickey Rourke on the red carpet. Ouch!

The best way to dispel a Leona Lewis lookalike curse?

A young lady named Sasha Gordon appears in today’s Daily Mail, complaining about how looking like Leona Lewis has ruined her life. So, how best to remedy this awful situation? To have a makeover demonstrating just how much she can look like other people, or even herself? Or would it be to dress up in a Leona-style dress to illustrate the similarity to the whole nation, not just Penge?

The story gets weirder. Head to Sasha’s Facebook page, where the same picture adorns her profile, and she says of her job as a part-time model/Leona lookalike: ‘love my job wouldn’t change it for the world’. And, it seems, the piece in the Mail has sent lots of job offers in her direction! Happily, she also seems also to have picked up another boyfriend (a previous one was put off by all the autograph seekers, we are told).

‘$$$$$$$$$$$$$’ says Sasha, by way of celebration. So it all worked out for the best in the end then. Hopefully she hasn’t read the comments on the Daily Mail website from all those nasty people who claim that she looks nothing like her.

Speaking of Lewis, what does she have to say? The singer’s Twitter account remains mysteriously silent on the matter, being more concerned with the rescue effort in Haiti. Strange days.

19/01/10 UPDATE: The Facebook picture and some info has now changed.

FILM: Downey’s Holmes is a boiling ball of energy

Holmes is always a man of energy, both mental and physical. His more institutional brother Mycroft could be slothful and fat, but Holmes has always been a lithe ball of energy, and Robert Downey Jr plays him just this way. His Holmes is a man who lives with the boredom of seeing all, constantly pushing the boundaries of body and mind, be it in bare-knuckle boxing, drinking, or dosing the dog with anaesthetic. He has a logical understanding of the cause and effect of everything around him, something the plot attempts to challenge – but that’s not the key to the film.

The heart of Guy Ritchie’s exciting version of the story is the ‘marriage’ between Holmes and Watson, an endearing couple who bicker over who left the gas on, Holmes’s personal hygiene, and Watson’s choice of women. (Their situation is reminiscent of Joey and Chandler in Friends, when Chandler was moving to the suburbs.) In fact, Jude Law’s Watson is arguably more of a surprise than Downey’s Holmes. Gone is the familiar buffoon inherited from Nigel Bruce’s 1940s bumbler; Law’s Watson is Holmes’s more socially acceptable partner, the sharp, smiling public face, but a man with some demons sitting on his tailcoat. Given the strength of the Holmes character it’s nice to see Watson fleshed out so decently, no mean feat when you’re playing opposite Downey.

The weak point is the plot, which becomes too overblown and silly – that and the casting of Rachel McAdams (excellent as she is) as Irene Adler, Holmes’s femme fatale. (She is simply too young.) No, the film’s strength lies in its energy, and a diving sense of cinematography that pulls you into its earthy vision of London more effectively than the 3-D of A Christmas Carol, backing up the banter of its two leading men with a constant strive for what’s next. The first 45 minutes are brilliant fun, and the movie looks great, like the Wild West without the frontier, and furnished with some amazing costumes. Witness anything Adler or Holmes wear, Watson’s swish military dinner suit, and Lord Blackwood’s Gestapo trenchcoat.

The rest is up and down, but mostly up – great stuff with not a whiff of geezery Guy Ritchie-ness in sight. It left your correspondent walking slightly different, which is always a good sign.

Golden Globes 2010: Predictions

This year, News Hour will be breaking with tradition and offering predictions for the awards season. Read on for a guestimate of where Sunday’s Golden Globes (hosted by Ricky Gervais, no less) will fall…

italics = News Hour pick
bold = winner

UPDATE: The results are in, and we came in with 50 per cent accuracy on the ten film awards selected (must do better – bring on the Oscars). Congratulations to Robert Downey, Jr, in particular…

Best Motion Picture: Drama
Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Inglorious Basterds
Precious
Up in the Air

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture: Drama
Emily Blunt, The Young Victoria
Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Helen Mirren, The Last Station
Carey Mulligan, An Education
Gabourey Sadibe, Precious

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture: Drama
Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
George Clooney, Up in the Air
Colin Firth, A Single Man
Morgan Freeman, Invictus
Tobey Maguire, Brothers

Best Motion Picture: Musical or Comedy
(500) Days of Summer
The Hangover
It’s Complicated
Julie & Julia
Nine

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture: Musical or Comedy
Sandra Bullock, The Proposal
Marion Cotillard, Nine
Meryl Streep, It’s Complicated
Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia
Julia Roberts, Duplicity

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture: Musical or Comedy
Matt Damon, The Informant
Daniel Day Lewis, Nine
Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes
Joseph Gordon Levitt, (500) Days of Summer
Michael Stuhlbarg, A Serious Man

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Mo-Nique, Precious
Julianne Moore, A Single Man
Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air
Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air
Penelope Cruz, Nine

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Matt Damon, Invictus
Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
Christopher Plummer, The Last Station
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
Woody Harrelson, The Messenger

Best Animated Feature Film
Coraline
The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
The Princess and the Frog
Up

Best Director: Motion Picture
Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
James Cameron, Avatar
Clint Eastwood, Invictus
Jason Reitman, Up in the Air
Quentin Tarantino, Inglorious Basterds

Framley Examiner posts new edition

The perilous state of local papers in Britain is troubling. They may be easy to mock, but they do hugely important work – whenever News Hour employees holiday in these fair isles, the town paper is the first port of call to help soak up local names, events, issues and curiosities (such as a church fair specialising in the selling of imitation celebrities forged out of Brussels sprouts). But that is a matter for another day, and more specialised hands. Let your correspondent direct you to a new edition of the heartwarmingly imcompetent Framley Examiner, a site that hasn’t been updated in quite a while. Perhaps it’s time for Charlie Brooker to do another slice of TVGoHome in celebration? It’s been almost seven years, after all…

Councils ‘supplied bay leaves instead of salt’

Local governments refute road failure claims

LONDON, THURSDAY: A News Hour investigation has sensationally revealed the reason behind chronic council failures to grit roads during the recent British snow crisis. From secret memos exchanged between council heads, quangos and European Union representatives, it has emerged that a deal was struck to supply bay leaves instead of salt, a plan conceived as part of a Greek plot to hide overproduction of the cooking accessory in its outlying territories.

During the crisis, bay leaves were deployed by several London councils as ‘synergistic hardened precipitation elimination elements’ but ultimately caused several minor sprains and the death of three cats. Sources familiar with council operations claims that the Greek plot was facilitated by unclear supply forms that required the road gritting tools to be simply of ‘herb or spice related origin’. An internal investigation is due to be launched in the spring.

Fastest man in Britain just stands there

And so the Santander advertising tedium rolls on. With the branch rebranding finally underway, so another round of expensive looking adverts – with a video seeming to suggest that roads can be built out of lego if Lewis Hamilton is involved in the planning.

To call it ‘cloud concept’ would be kind, but what does building something important out of lego suggest about its foundations? It certainly didn’t work for James May, but then he’s not Lewis Hamilton. But it ain’t dynamic, and that Hamilton just stands around, in both that and (inevitably) moreso in the print advert, is rather irritating. The point of him seems to be that he’s British and successful, and that it’s then enough to wrap a car theme around him and package it all under a brand. Is it?

Still, at least they had the decency to put him in a tiny racing car in the pre-Christmas round. That was rather fun, and he’s certainly game – in what must have been a surreal moment for employees, the Formula One ace was reportedly present for the reopening of the first UK branch.

Hamilton’s participation is, you suspect, an example of the ‘synergy’ evident in the dissolution of several UK banking brands into one – Santander sponsors his team, McClaren – although News Hour still confesses to some confusion over the bank’s logo. Doesn’t it rather resemble a coffee bean? Could a run of Santander coffee houses be in the offing?

EXCLUSIVE: We will save dart commentators from themselves, say Tory party

FRIMLEY GREEN, MONDAY: The surprise Conservative pledge to reintegrate darts commentators into everyday life was met with appreciation at the Lakeside Complex today, as the World Professional Darts Championships shut up shop for another year.

Speaking to a crowd of concerned arrows activists, Conservative leader David Cameron said:

“For too long, these people have lived a half life, forced to frame our appreciation of this game by abusing their natural disposition toward nonsensical metaphor. They have been prisoners of their own brains, but no longer. Today I announce a raft of new proposals designed to help these people re-enter normal society.”

Mr Cameron went on to cite such tragically senseless statements as ‘jokers are wild but the son is calm’, ‘bicycle clips off, everything moist’, ‘old man of the sea’ and ‘he is kicking himself if his leg was long enough to reach his backside’ as examples of the fragile mental wellbeing of the commentators, also highlighting their fixation on the elusive ‘moment of truth’. These were signs, he said, of a mind in danger of total destruction.

The full details of the pledge are yet to emerge, but it is thought that the Conservative leader has personally earmarked £300 million to cover the project, stating it to be the ‘party’s greatest challenge to date’.

NEWS HOUR EXCLUSIVE: The secret behind Cameron’s immigration pledge

LONDON, MONDAY: The Conservative leader David Cameron has come under attack for vowing to reduce immigration by 75 per cent, with critics dismissing the figure as ‘pure fantasy’. However, we at News Hour have obtained secret manifesto drafts that reveal the Conservative strategy: to impose such swingeing cuts on public services that no-one will want to move to Britain in the first place.

Projections seen by News Hour suggest that, within 10 years, following a 90 per cent reduction in funding for schools, hospitals and local councils, the population will be reduced to a dozen or so extremely wealthy gated communities located south of Watford – with plans to transform the north into a surplus exporting power plant, and the whole of Scotland into a golf and fishing retreat.

Obama out as jobless figures soar

WASHINGTON, FRIDAY: The latest monthly unemployment figures concealed a surprising casualty – the commander-in-chief himself. Mr Obama, barely a year into his recent promotion to President, has become the victim of streamlining. The soon to be ex-President picks up his pink slip Monday morning, and has said he’ll be ‘straight down to collect my check, with all the other great folks’. Mrs Obama is said to be staying on as White House manager, after impressing staffers with a promising mix of flair and attention to detail.

Her husband’s desk-clearing was precipitated by a funding gap of his own creation. In search of a compromise on the funding of his healthcare bill, the house and the senate settled on an ‘evolution’ of the system by which a President is elected. Out is the costly campaign trail of old, in is a rotating system of state governors, with each taking the symbolic reins of the executive for a six-month stretch.

But what of the former President? Reflecting on his new life, Mr Obama is said to have ‘put out a few feelers’ about a management position at Denny’s. While he waits to hear back on that, Barack will mainly be hanging out in coffee houses, talking about taking up night school, and playing basketball on the community court.

Watching James Cagney

Towards the end of his career, James Cagney began to resemble Ernest Borgnine. This is especially notable in A Lion Is In The Streets – a 1953 tract about the corrupting power of politics in the Deep South, although one that starts out looking like a misguided Disney venture. Stick with it, it’s more complex than it looks.

Wind back two decades, and Cagney’s features were sharper – partly down to youth, partly down to being filmed in black and white. He’d strut from scene to scene, ready to explode with that fiery brand of bitterness – small in stature, he became a byword for the gangster with the Napoleon complex, and what’s interesting is that you actually notice his size, that there’s no sensitivity about having larger actors around him. How often are today’s actors given flatteringly flat-footed companions on the red carpet?

Cagney played against type in 1935’s G-Men, as a lawyer raised by a good-hearted gangster who winds up hunting his old associates. G-Men feels remarkably modern, and recalls Michael Mann’s Public Enemies in its structure. It’s arguably the superior movie, and certainly more enjoyable – perhaps the temporal proximity to the subject matter helps? So much easier to do that sort of thing when everyone on set remembers it.

Footballer ‘rides naked’ for sake of impoverished oiks

The footballer Ashley Cole is awaiting sentencing after riding his horse naked through Coventry city centre, in protest at an oppressive tax regime. The husband of X Factor judge Cheryl was spotted by revellers at 5.30am on Sunday December 27, as he marshalled the steed in a full-throated gallop several times around the city’s famous cathedral.

Mr Cole’s actions are said to stem from the proposed introduction of a tithe upon citizens to fund his wife’s wardrobe for future series of the X Factor – a show said by many disgruntled peasants to be the modern equivalent of the ducking stool – a move that has earned him the honour of a statue from grateful city fathers.