Cowell mulls bid for ‘final frontier’ of entertainment

Sources close to Simon Cowell continue to stoke speculation that the entertainment mogul is considering a bid for the whole of space.

‘Simon thinks space is boring, and that we haven’t seen enough of what it can do yet. He believes that the talent is there but that it isn’t being utilised properly; people don’t understand how space connects to them on a daily basis, how it fits into their lives. Every planet needs a story, like every star on the X Factor – the nation needs to feel invested in the success of space and get excited about it again.’

Mr Cowell has been linked to a number of business projects since his much-publicised split with girlfriend Jane Seymour, and is believed to think he can easily outdo the efforts of bearded tycoon Richard Branson.

‘Branson’s just focusing on the small picture, but Simon thinks big. He wants to know what happens when we get into space. If people aren’t interested in it, then why should they buy an expensive ticket to travel there? It’s just common sense, and he believes Branson’s on a hiding to nothing.’

The comments come as Mr Cowell floated ideas to change how the public perceive politics and music, and have fuelled a rally in media stocks.

High frontier, high aspirations

The language for space is split; first, we have the commercial aspirations of Virgin Galactic, an enterprise that is unlikely to be bitten by the ‘credit crunch’ (the luxury end of the market tends to endure). Soon, we may have Virgin hotels spinning around the Earth, neon signs aglow, occupying the rich and famous in much the same way as Mr Branson’s island.

There’s nothing inherently offensive about the commercialisation of space, but it’d be a shame to have the last great frontier (the depths of the sea aside) plastered with happy-go-lucky, 2-for-1 discounts and unnecessary signage. It’s not the money that’s the problem, it’s the execution. One hopes for everyone’s sake that the customer services are good; calls to complain about mistaken space journeys could be very expensive, and incidents such as this could bankrupt an intergalactic pensioner.

Of a more romantic bent is the discussion about the Mars Science Laboratory. The New York Times reports that this 1,800 lb vehicle will be the size of a small SUV, and powered by decaying plutonium rather than solar panels. The mission’s costs are already north of $1.7 billion, but the method is like something out of Star Trek. Instead of landing unceremoniously on some air cushions, the space SUV could hover into place above Mars with rockets firing, before being lowered by winch from the carrier craft that would then ‘fly away and crash’.

One cost saving measure includes parking the vehicle ‘in orbit around the Sun for a year’ until the orbits favour a cheaper journey. Without wishing to sound like a schoolboy, how cool is that? The future is truly now, if the budget will stretch to it.

On another note, space smells like steak and hot metal. Who knew?

A fit and feisty Christmas to you and yours – signed, Richard Branson

As a society, we are familiar with many different styles of sign-off – from the more traditional, letter-writing world there is ‘yours sincerely’ or ‘yours faithfully’ to the simpler ‘kind regards’, ‘best regards’, ‘warm regards’, ‘best wishes’ etc etc. Still, your correspondent was shocked to notice the employment of the hitherto unheard of ‘healthy regards’ by the good people at Virgin Active (née Holmes Place).

The Virgin PR machine is known for its ruthless, all-consuming approach to situations, and perhaps one should not be surprised at its appropriation of sign-offs with fitness-conscious lingo. One imagines the missive to which it was attached (which concerned locker replacement) was dictated from a running machine to someone on a Swiss ball, typing on an upside-down keyboard with their nose so as to ‘feel the burn’. Will this practice extend into other areas of the business, such as cable and broadband? ‘Digital regards’, and so on? We shudder to think what will happen at Christmas – the spectre of linguistically mangled e-cards looms large.

The transition from Holmes Place to ‘Virgin Active’ has been one of relentless rebranding – cardio class becomes ‘V Cardio’, rowing class becomes ‘V Rowing’ and so on – and explanations of the most painfully obvious things abound. The men’s locker room has a sign up informing users that it is not allowed to take pictures of other users on one’s mobile phone, and that it is a ‘Girl Free Zone’. One can see the sense in it somewhere, but it feels terrible patronising – especially when you spot a spelling mistake.

Sullying the final frontier

Is space the new international waters, the new playground for the planet’s more imaginative lawless citizens? Sadly not. It appears that killjoy legislators are moving to restrict the activities of Britons temporarily in leave of Earth’s atmosphere. Small wonder when it seems that the future of space travel is in the hands of cheeky chappy billonaire entrepreneur Richard Branson, who has his fingers in more pies than one would have thought possible. Mobiles, record labels, TV networks (even a new channel, launched with customary flair), health clubs, ,music retail (until recently), airlines Virgin Galactic. It is ironic that the presumed suspension of the open skies agreement (United States and Europe) in 2010 has caused Virgin to retreat from expanding from expanding its luxury transatlantic travel, but is full speed ahead with the extraterrestrial. Rather puts Earth in perspective.

The British National Space Centre is tasked with consulting on future space-based legislation, due to focus on criminal offences and dumping. One wonders how much attention will be paid to budding patrons of the 62-mile high club? The allure of carnal relations in a zero gravity environment (even if only for six minutes) will be impossible to resist for some of the planet’s more luridly disposed citizens. Surely legislation will have to anticipate luxury ‘sex ships’, with well heeled revellers enjoying themselves in much the same way as at a do organised by a pal of Kate Middleton’s, as was reported at the weekend. Given the lack of gravity, they may even be able to best the claimed ‘33 in a bed’ attained by that sexually liberated crowd. Time will tell. The march of stag and hen dos into space is surely less than half a century away, too. The final frontier will be sullied as humanity retches for the stars. Captain Kirk would surely not approve.