Singer Williams’s face swap crime wave

The pop star Robbie Williams is said to have been wearing another man’s face for at least two years, allowing him to become a one-man crime wave while his replacement went on tour. The work was inspired by a chance viewing of the 1997 John Woo movie Face/Off, starring Nicolas Cage and John Travolta as enemies who swap faces, and is said to account for much of the singer’s erratic behaviour and penchant for disguises. Sources close to Mr Williams claim that he is now known as Steve Sutcliffe, a 46-year-old white male from Bermondsey who is wanted for a string of incompetent burglaries.

This unusual situation is also said to account for the apparent lack of consistency toward the singer’s much-discussed ‘reunion’ with former bandmates Take That. Mr Williams and Mr Wandsworth reportedly differ in their opinions as to the musical worth of such a move, and that Williams’ publicist now finds it difficult to tell them apart on the telephone.

Large Hadron Collider ‘shrinks economy’

Suspicions that the Large Hadron Collider had created a black hole in the British economy were confirmed today, when the financial mass shrunk by a further 0.4 per cent. The economy, 208, has been steadily shrinking since the device began its nefarious operation from CERN’s underground lair in Geneva last year, and reports suggest that its plans are close to fruition.

‘The Large Hadron Collider plans to wreck our economy with its black holes,’ thundered Prime Minister Gordon Brown. ‘But I say we shall stand firm, and slay this mechanical devil.’

Reports of military action against the LHC are thought to be wide of the mark, but elements of the British fleet have repositioned themselves to be within striking distance of Switzerland, in what is described by the Ministry of Defence to ‘a series of planned training exercises in which deadly nuclear missiles may be launched at a target not yet identified’.

Last month, the black hole was also alleged to have claimed British finances. Hooks have been lowered into the deathly expanse, but the finances are not expected to be found until at least 2025.

Crisis for Putin as approval levels plunge

MOSCOW, FRIDAY: Alarm grew in the Russian capital as Prime Minister Vladimir Putin‘s approval levels reportedly plunged to a record low of 104 per cent. The premier’s ratings have consistently exceeded 150 per cent for the past six years, and a Kremlin spokesman attributed the apparent dip to ‘statistical anomalies that would soon be corrected’.

Overnight polls recorded a sudden rebound in the public’s confidence in Mr Putin, with levels of those who ‘strongly agreed’ that the Prime Minister was doing a good job surging back to a healthy 200 per cent.

FILM: Disney’s Christmas Carol – more ride than film

This is Dickens by rollercoaster, and if you go in with that in expectation, you won’t go far wrong. Disney’s version of the tale is exceptional at conveying mood, and a sense of how nasty – almost evil – Scrooge is. (Jim Carrey’s chilling voicework must take some credit here.) Up until Marley’s ghost appears and often beyond, every move is shrouded in an unpleasant dread, and this ambient expertise expands into creating an impressive Dickensian London that grasps 3D with both hands. The viewer dives down alleys, through children’s hoops and (bizarrely) along drainpipes after a miniature Scrooge in quite one of the most incongruous chase sequences your correspondent has ever witnessed. The scene (during the last ghost) is straight out of a video game, and there’s even a moment with the Moon that seems to ape ET.

Where the movie fails is in explaining with conviction why Scrooge came to be how he is, and by never putting his redemption in any serious doubt. Of course, people know the story – but it’s still possible to create enough tension to let you suspend disbelief. He doesn’t wrestle with it, doesn’t relent for the sake of appearances – he just falls into a pit of regret. Dramatically, this is a large flaw but it’s not truly apparent until the end, by which time you’ve enjoyed the ride so much that it shouldn’t matter. Yet it does. If they could do it in Scrooged, why not here? It’s a shame but, as an exercise in 3D rollercoaster entertainment, it’s more involving than either Up or Coraline.

Director Boyle reveals obsession

The director Danny Boyle is completely obsessed with time, according to Hollywood insiders. The first signs of the Trainspotting helmer’s addiction came with his 2002 movie ‘28 Days Later‘ – a 113 minute meditation on the menstrual cycle, as told through the prism of 1,000 grandfather clocks, all keeping slightly different time. For the next five years, Boyle’s obsession deepened. His time was spent crisscrossing the country, buying all the clocks he could find and searching for a new story to tell – by 2007, his collection had filled three penthouses on the Upper West side of Manhattan, and pals feared for his mental health, staging an intervention that restricted him solely to producing duties on the extended muse on pregnancy, ’28 Weeks Later’. Regardless, Boyle still managed to mastermind a sequence featuring 1,000 hourglasses and all the sand from Venice Beach.

Recently, he has gone public with his obsession. The Oscar-winning auteur openly discussed plans for the third in his time-based trilogy, a movie entitled ‘127 Hours Of Silence’ for which cinemagoers will be locked into a sound-proofed room for five and a half days with limited access to food and water. Rumour has it that an even grander opus could be in the offing, possibly starring the survivors of its predecessor.

“Hours, minutes, seconds – we’re running out I reckon,” said the director when asked for comment.

Beverly Hills Cop III destroys all that is good in the world

Your correspondent had the misfortune to catch the end of Beverly Hills Cop III the other day, and was devastated. I’d always suspected that it was the worst of the three, but had never actually seen it – little was I prepared for what a soulless, lazy and insincere atrocity it would turn out to be. It was as if all the good work done by the first, and kept afloat by the second, was destroyed in a nuclear blast. Only the cockroaches were left. Judge Reinhold scuttled about, doing his ‘loveable fool’ act. Eddie Murphy’s Axel Foley wisecracked in front of a slow moving train, and traded innuendos with sleazy looking women from a wheelchair. Taggart was, wisely, nowhere to be seen. There were lame remarks about a theme park that was obviously supposed to be Disneyland, and the ending left you feeling as if anything that was ever good in the world had been torn apart and burnt on a pile of tires. It was offensive.

Wonderfully, Eddie Murphy thinks so too – he said it was ‘horrible‘ – so hope is on the way with the mooted Beverly Hills Cop IV. Let’s hope it’s more Die Hard 4.0 than Indiana Jones And The Crystal Skull.

A lesson on money & politics

Think buying political office is easy? Take a look at the instructive case of New York mayor Michael Bloomberg, who had the law amended so he could stand for a third term. Such is Bloomberg’s skill and stature, went the argument, we can’t afford not to have him for another term. During the election, New York’s richest man spent upwards of $100 million of his personal fortune on the campaign – 13 times that of his main rival – yet barely squeaked home with 51 per cent of the vote.

It says a lot for the rambunctious state of American democracy that a) it can accept flexibility in the terms of its elections and b) the people are clearly resistant to big spending.

Enquirer’s quest for heaven on earth

An ode to the wisdom of having eccentric, rich proprietors in charge of media outlets – witness this marvellous story from the golden days of the National Enquirer, the tale of a quest for Utopia itself. Listen to it here, or read it here.

Should the Enquirer launch a modern day search for the mysterious cities of gold?

DiCaprio speaks out on timepiece threat

‘Watches can kill.’ That’s the message from Hollywood megastar Leonardo DiCaprio, who is fronting a new campaign dedicated to halting misuse of the timepieces. The actor, famed for his roles in Romeo + Juliet and The Basketball Diaries, described the portable clocks as ‘the single biggest threat to American lives, save for climate change’ in a statement distributed by his publicist.

In the images for a press, digital and billboard campaign sponsored by Olympic timekeepers Tag Heuer, Mr DiCaprio is shown wearing a watch in ways no human man ever would, ways that would endanger him should he become embroiled in an action-packed scenario.

FILM: Pixar’s Up is a tinsy bit manipulative, but you don’t care

Like its stablemate Wall-E, Pixar’s Up has two distinct elements – the beautifully melancholy and the borderline bonkers. Wall-E splits more easily down the middle, the first half being virtually silent and playing out across the ruins of Earth – the second a more cartoonish foray into outer space, onto a ship where humans have become bloated caricatures of the American obese.

As has been widely reported, the first 10 minutes of Up are beautiful, portraying the arc of a couple’s lives without sentimentality – and again, with little sound. The effect of this first section is more intense than its equivalent in Wall-E, as it has to form the emotional amchor for a considerably crazier adventure. This anchor – an old man’s regrets, learning to live again through a young boy’s enthusiasm – occasionally punctuates the rest of the story, but there’s something about the efficiency of those first ten minutes that feels manipulative. Not much, but a little – a bit like the end of Atonement.

Still, the details are so delightful that you barely care: Dug the talking dog, with his eager displays of affection for any human that crosses his path; Alpha with his misfiring vocal unit; Kevin the hapless tropical bird; the list is long. And of course it looks beautiful, which almost goes without saying for Pixar, but the fact that you can sit there and accept everything that happens speaks volumes to that (see Disney’s Tinker Bell And The Lost Treasure for comparison).

FILM: Michael Mann’s Public Enemies knows no fear

Public Enemies is a great example of forging narrative from fact. It plays a little loose with the history, and arguably doesn’t give as much Depresssion-era context as would be useful for an international release – but it does so deliberately, turning the entire story on reactions to Johnny Depp’s John Dillinger. His girlfriend, played by the luminous Marion Cotillard (Edith Piaf in La Mome) is pushed to the background as soon as she’s fulfilled her purpose; Christian Bale’s pursuing G-man is also a foil, the straight man to Dillinger’s maverick bank robber. At the end it’s implied that Purvis (Bale) quit the FBI because he was disillusioned with the methods used to bring down Dillinger, and that he eventually committed suicide as a result of basically not being as great a guy. (According to this, it was never certain that it was anything more than an accidental shooting and, if it was suicide, possibly the result of a diagnosis of brain cancer.)

Director Michael Mann pushes temptations such as Cotillard aside to focus on crafting a story of opposite poles, the mainstay of the gangster genre – either two men on opposite sides of the law who play the same, or two men of opposite character eptiomising the values of whatever system they serve. He does it by reordering time and location, all to elevate Depp’s Dillinger well above the ordinary. This kind of bullheadedness, along with the decision to shoot it on in anachronistic high definition, is to be applauded – the film looks beautiful and makes great sense as a story. It’s a little too long and lacks a bit of drive – but Public Enemies is undistracted and determined, and there’s a great deal to be said for that. Just look at the 1991 TV movie Dillinger, starring Mark Harmon (NCIS, but at the tail end of his Summer School days) to see how not to do it.

Patient power ‘to be extended’ under Tories

Conservative leader David Cameron today outlined his party’s plans for the Department of Health, the keynote of which was claimed to be ‘extending patient power’. Plans to ‘democratise’ the newly renamed Acme Health include asking patients to perform simple operations themselves, and replacing anaesthetists with pay-as-you-go vending machines. Nurses will also be phased out, as patients are encouraged to develop a ‘community spirit’ within wards and administer each other’s medication.

‘We must help each other to help ourselves,’ Mr Cameron never said. ‘The health service is bloated. Patients want choice, and control over where and when their operations are performed.’

The changes, along with other ‘efficiency savings’ are expected to reduce the budget shortfall by upwards of £3 billion.

‘Project Stalin’ under way, reports UK government

The British government announced plans to continue an initiative codenamed ‘Project Stalin’ in which the administration will slowly be purged of all those who do not agree with official policy. Professor David Nutt was the first to benefit from the glorious new strategy, and more have since followed.

‘We do not exist to encourage debate,’ announced the Home Secretary, before outlining plans to tape over the mouths of outspoken backbenchers so as to ‘streamline discussion’. ‘Project Stalin’ is said to incorporate a controversial final stage in which all Conservative MPs will be placed in camps to build national monuments in the run up to the General Election.

‘It’s very exciting,’ said an aide, speaking exclusively to News Hour. ‘This is the natural evolution of democracy.’ Liberal Democrat MPs, it emerged, will be allowed to participate fully in the election so as to ‘create the illusion of competition’.

Analysts at Carnwell House point out that this plan still leaves room for Conservative victory, but sources claim that Labour will be taking its cues from Afghan President Hamid Karzai, and will simply declare victory regardless of the result.

Periodical to publish ‘definitive’ abdominal research

The lifestyle periodical Men’s Health announced a major breakthrough yesterday in the field of abdominal research. The magazine, known for its pioneering work in the keep fit arena, finally solved the mystery of how to get ‘Great Abs Fast’ during an intensive research sabbatical by five of its staff. But they’re keeping the secret of the six pack under wraps.

‘It’s incredible,’ said feature writer Dane Steffenburg. ‘I used to be this big, beer-swilling slob – now I’m a hunk with a six-pack. I’ve been fighting the chicks off with a stick.’

The monthly magazine will publish its findings next Thursday, after an intensive peer review by rival periodicals Maxim and GQ. It is expected that this will be the final word on the matter, and that no further guides to abdominal perfection will need to be produced.

NEWS HOUR EXCLUSIVE: Strike chaos spreads to buses

Many of London’s red buses refused to come to work today, as an industrial dispute over working hours intensified. The buses, many of whom are said to work 80 hour weeks – in breach of the European Working Time Directive – have become increasingly outspoken in recent weeks, with a number 9 causing chaos by ‘accidentally’ breaking down across several lanes on Hyde Park Corner.

‘If they wanna call it deliberate, they can,’ said the bus. ‘But everyone knows that these things wouldn’t happen if we were allowed to work sensible hours.’

The buses are far from united on this matter. The immigrant German ‘bendy’ buses, brought in to bolster numbers earlier in the decade, seem happy to work the longer hours, and many were spotted ferrying commuters to their places of work earlier today.

Sandy, a veteran number 36 who has operated the New Cross to Queen’s Park route for nearly 15 years, expressed dismay that his partial routemate Kurt, a 436, would be breaking the strike.

‘I’ve worked ‘wiv im for years,’ said Sandy. ‘I can’t believe he’d betray us like this. Just goes to show you can’t trust the Germans, however long you know them. They can flip like that.’

The dispute continues.