Twittering doctor breaks new ground

Dr Warwick Michaels, professor of neuroscience at the University of Leicester, has become the first man to successfully connect his organs up to Twitter. Using a complex series of microscopic, wireless sensors, the professor’s organs inform his followers on the social networking site when he is eating, digesting and expelling waste materials. This project is the culmination of 18 months of intensive research and practical trials, in which Dr Michaels’ students have been closely involved.

Sensors in toilet bowls both at home and at work record the individual dimensions of the resulting stool, which are then plotted on axes of time versus size.

“This is a first,” remarked Dr Michaels, squatting in the gentlemen’s conveniences.

The sensor data is relayed through a software package that redeploys the stream of statistics into preset sentences. The resulting tweets record when the doctor breathes more quickly than usual, sweats, becomes sexually aroused or touches himself inappropriately in a public place.

Rat records achievement, throws mortar broard

A rat enrolled at the University of Leicester recently completed a BA in Geography, according to reports. The news has produced ripples of shock throughout the education establishment, provoking claims of ‘dumbing down’. The rat, who is known around campus as Steve ‘Curly’ McTailsmith, enrolled at the Leicester institution three years ago after completing A-levels in General Studies, Geography, and Psychology. He is said to hold pens with his tail, and to be particularly adept at shading.

Rats are widely recognised for their intelligence, but none have so far achieved this level of achievement. Claims of ‘dumbing down’ have been disputed by independent watchdogs, who point to the performance of sheep in poor areas of rural Lancashire, where they have been outperforming underprivileged children and securing places on young apprenticeship schemes. These watchdogs point out that some humans are merely becoming more stupid, and speculate that, within 50 years, intelligent animals will be a common sight in the workforce, with uneducated humans fleeing to the protection of the woods and re-establishing small scale feudal societies.